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| in with the randomness. |
| 11.21.03 (9:50 am) [edit] |
haven't updated this in a while. been using more of xanga than tblog. but now i'm here. so its all good. anyways...
- totally [b]bummed [/b]that i'm not going to [i]George Mason U. [/i]this weekend. :(
- [i]longing [/i]for [b]sleep [/b]but can't rest because i have to do things. :x
- i [b]miss [/b]everyone... esp. [i]yeah [/i]
- i [i]hate[/i] [b]angeline[/b]. actually no i don't i think she's the most awesomeness (she got my dream job... AE baby!) 8)
- i got accepted to [b]ODU[/b]! wOo! so it looks like i'm transferring. but we'll see about the other colleges too. :wink:
- i'm [i]finally [/i]going [b]shopping [/b]after a month! oh yeah... hollister. abercrombie&fitch and american eagle baby! wOo! :D
yeah. as you can see i'm mixed with a bunch of emotions. but shyeah. there's my little update of what's going on with me... sort of. t.i.e.(take it easy)
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| carly simon sets my mood |
| 11.04.03 (4:03 pm) [edit] |
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[i]clouds in my coffee...[/i]
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| the perks of being alyssa sawi |
| 10.30.03 (7:50 am) [edit] |
so. i'm feeling kinda mellow at the moment. why you ask?! i don't know. i mean. i have no reason to feel this way. or well. i think i might have a slight clue as to why... but i don't think it matters at the moment. maybe its this [i]mixed [/i][i]cd [/i]of [b]garage [/b][b]rock [/b]songs my kuya made for me... or maybe its because the fact that i'm basically the only one up in college who's on their own... or well besides adrienne and philicia... but still. man... i feel just like [b]charlie [/b]in [i]the perks of being a wallflower[/i]... an outsider... a misfit... [i]*sigh*[/i] i like being out on my own... but there are those times where i want to belong... to be around people in whom i can be confortable with... to just let myself out and let others know of my [i]existence[/i]. anyone out there who really knows me... does any of this sound familiar? yeah. its like those [i]repressed [/i][i]feelings [/i]i had in [b]high school[/b]. sucks but what can you do? it sucks having to put on this [i]disguise [/i]on my face of me being this cool laid-back content figure... when really i am hurting inside... or well i really am chill and laid-back... but not content. me typing this all out to the public eye... isn't for me to recieve sympathy... i doubt anyone really cares at the moment... and i don't mind if [b]you [/b]do or whatever... because i do know there are people out there who do care for my well-being... but what i guess i'm trying to say is that i want [i]someone [/i]to [b]understand[/b]... and i guess to help me figure out what's wrong and what-not. and folks always wonder why i'm never here at radford for the weekends... or why i always have to have this urge to see my friends at their different universities/colleges... well. its because i was never really happy until i met and hanged out with my friends... i mean i [b][u]love [/u][/b]my [b]family [/b][i]first [/i]and foremost and they make me happy too... but that's a [i]different feeling[/i]. the feeling of happiness that i'm talking about is one where [i]i am able to love [/i][b][i]myself [/i][/b]and others around me more. it was this feeling that made me truly elated with my life... also they were my [i]comfort zone[/i]. it sucks not having that up here... and i know i should give radford a chance in finding it... but for some reason i can't. as most of you all know i always go by my instincts... and my instincts tell me that there are negative vibes around me... and so i stay away... but i should probably look beyond that negativity and just go with the flow... but that's too risky for me... i don't want my feelings to be used and abused and what-not... i can't afford to have this feeling of me dying inside again... argh. i swear my emotions are in this repetitious cycle of from me being totally happy... to being down in the slums of melancholy. argh. i already have my problems figured out... i just can't seem to let them go or oversee them. [i]*sigh*[/i] all i want is someone to understand...
:? :x :( :cry:
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| and i'm back at the boonies... |
| 10.27.03 (6:56 am) [edit] |
if there was one word i could use to sum up how my weekend was at [i][b]VCU[/b][/i]... it would be: [i]muthafuckin[/i][b]hell afun[/b][u]kickass[/u][b] awesome[/b]blast! haha. yeah. it was that great... but hopefully there'll be more fun fun if and when i go to [i][b]UVA [/b][/i]on fri. or sat. but i kinda wanna check out the party scene up at good ol' radford... cause you know it's going to be halloween... but shyeah. anywhoers. here's some pics from the weekend:
[image]ahliesah_876001553 .jpg[/image][image]ahliesa h_126763540.jpg[/image]
[image]ahliesah_287442259 .jpg[/image][image]ahliesa h_318019790.jpg[/image]
[image]ahliesah_850390267 .jpg[/image]
and that's just a sneak peek of what went on... the rest is rated PG and so on... so shyeah... just ask me or cha pross for them...
:D 8) :P :wink: :lol:
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| results of an inkblot test: my unconcious thoughts |
| 10.22.03 (4:02 pm) [edit] |
Alyssa, your subconscious mind is driven most by [b]Love [/b]
Your instinct to [b]love [/b]and [b]be loved[/b] [i]is rooted very deeply in your subconscious and affects most of the decisions you make in life[/i] — whether you are aware of it or not.
You [i]inspire [/i][b]people [/b]to experience their [i]true [/i]feelings of love and act kindly towards others. You also value your personal relationships more than most people.
Your [i]unique [/i]capacity to [b]love [/b]may be [b]greater [/b]than those around you, which means you may have more to give in relationships than your friends or romantic partners do.
Your [i]psyche [/i]is very [b]rich[/b]; the more you learn about it, [i]the more you will understand who you really are[/i].
[i]now that's some talagang crazy shit right there...[/i] :shock:
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| sleepy. tired. lazy. |
| 10.22.03 (7:39 am) [edit] |
man. you know how you do something for a while and eventually you get used to doing it and stuff? yeah. well i'm used to just bumming around and being laid-back. i really want the weekend to get here. so i can just chill or whatever. [i]hopefully[/i] i can find a ride and make my way up to VCU to hang out with those crazy yet awesome VCU beachers! and get my camera back. [i]i hope you're taking good care of it cousin[/i]. but shyeah. everyday i'm finding my classes and school to be pointless. its sOo repetitious. all you do is go to class. take notes. hear the professor lecture. go back to your dorm or room or house or apartment and read. read more. read more again. and then study. and then read again! g'damn. everything is based on what you read. that's how you learn everything. man. all those upcoming 1st years... start reading books in the summer... those will help you prepare for the shitload of reading you have to do in college/university. but yes. anyways... [i]the early november. something corporate. story of the year. and senses fail [/i]cds are awesome! i suggest you folks go out and get a copy of each. esp. the [i]something corporate[/i] cd... its only [b]$6.98[/b] at [b]your local target[/b]! shyeah. man. i'm getting tired/lazy of typing... and listening to all these slow jams... mm. oh yes. [b] i [i]still [/i]need a ride[/b]... so if any of you good samaritans out there would like to help a sistah out... please please please tell me or contact me or yeah. okay. have a good hump day!
:lol: :D :) 8) :? :( :cry: :wink:
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| home is where the heart is... |
| 10.20.03 (11:31 pm) [edit] |
ah... i sure did [i]live and breathe in every ounce of va beezy[/i]... as quoted by cousin. as usual... its always great being back at home... home. the familiarity with everything and the comforts of home. yep yep. great experience! well here's a recap on my weekend/fall break:
[b]friday[/b]: arrived at the [i]beach[/i] around 4. hung out with cousin and charP til charP and i merked out to get berto and eat at outback. ended up missing the crowning of the new HC queen of salem due to no parking at salem. ruby tuesday's was were everyone headed... but i left early to see the story of the year/yellowcard/andrew w.k. concert where i met up with jeff... it was sOo fcuking awesome... but i didn't see andrew w.k. then to scott's i headed to chill with everyone else. then to wally-mart with cousin and charP. then back to my home home with the "deep joints" and pablo tOo joined us. knocked out @ 4am.
[b]saturday[/b]: woke up around 8am and found myself in a cousin/charP sandwich (at least i was warm). made jackie signs for her field hockey game. got to her game late but still saw her and gave her our signs. headed to ODU to give kuya my trooper. headed back to cousin's to drop her off at her home home and ate bits and pieces of the philly cheese steak ish her bro made. then off to the oceanfront for beach paraphenalia with charP. good times with that chick dude! man. i sure am going to miss em' :( then back home home i went to chill while charP went to her home home to get ready and did and all for the HC dance with maynard (he made HC court... yay!) charP got bored of waiting for time to pass after she got ready and sOo chilled for a few mins. at my home home. she looked nice. man. i really like her dress. i'm going to "borrow" it one day. bwahahaha. then she left and i went to go pick up cousin and jeff so we could all go back to my home home and then wait for charP so we could all go watch [i]the texas chainsaw massacre[/i]. good movie yet scary. met up with jeff's cousins at the theatre. mmhmm. haha. then jeff. cousin and charP and i headed to justin l.'s after HC party. it was cool. got my kicks of foamed brewery in me. then home home i went where charP drove my car. zach sat in the passenger side. kat. jeff and i sat in the back. oh yeah. before i went home home... we dropped zach off at his home home... where cousin chilled at... and charP and i went to taco bell and then back to my home home to chill and be knocked out by 3am.
[b]sunday[/b]: woke up to the pleasant call of cousin telling me to get her. fell back asleep and woke up 10 or so mins. later and told charP to go get cousin instead for me. chilled at me home home for a bit... then charP left to go back to mason... and cousin and i got ready for the roadtrip to "the ghettoness" along with jeff. fun fun being the speed demon and exploring the vast spoil riches of "the ghettoness". then back home i went where i passed out on the passenger side and jeff drove back home got starbucks (thanks for coming along and chilling and driving! :D ). aww. i miss [i]them [/i]already :( chilled with the ang when i got home home. she made me ramen! :D thanks [i]babe[/i]! ha! anyways. it was great somewhat catching up...
[b]monday[/b]: woke up to the call of ang around 7.40am. damn. missed the beautiful voices of sherl and monti. haha. oh well. got my transcripts at salem with ang around 8.50am and then to wally-mart to get stuff for kuya. got to ODU around 10ish am and saw mad people i knew. it was great! i actually will consider going there if i get accepted there and not anywhere else. heh. figures. went to astronomy with kuya. allisa. alex and chris. tried taking notes for kuya... but it just didn't work. i couldn't see. oh well. good luck on your midterms kuya! haha. then a good convo with my hero elizabeth for a good hour. back home home i went and got berto to replace the string that popped out of my guitar (thanks again! i'll repay somehow. someway. someday.) then being the shopaholic i am with me ma's at A&E. A&F. and victoria's secret... then gas to go at amoco... and home home where i got my stuff back from ang... and chilled for a bit. then home home where i am chillaxin for tis my last night at va beezy for a while. sigh. oh well i'll live. [i]thanks again everyone for making this break worthwhile! i heart/miss all of you[/i]!
:lol: :D :) 8) :? :( :cry: :wink:
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| ah... va beezy... its the place to be. |
| 10.18.03 (2:25 pm) [edit] |
so i'm home at [i]the beach[/i] for the weekend and my fall break. yay! it always feels good to be back here. the comforts of home and the familiar faces... and the diversity. ahh... :D man. i mean. radford's cool and all. its like my second home. i mean i basically have the whole room to myself... since i don't exactly have a roommate. and i looove the independence. but i mean. even though if i do/did fall in love with radford. i'd still transfer to another institution with a totally better art program than the one at radford. and plus... since radford is like in the rural area... i don't think i'll be able to find a job that's as successful as one that i would find in a more suburban/urban area. so yep. alrighty. well i'm going to continue chillaxin now... peaceasy guys!
:P :) :D 8) :wink:
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| man... why?! |
| 10.16.03 (7:11 am) [edit] |
so my professor [i]is[/i] letting me take my exam earlier today at 12.30pm. too bad i didn't really need to take it earlier though because SaBrina left at 9am. i saw her at class and i asked... she said she would've driven me back to the beach after my exam... but she had to leave that early because she's meeting up with TCC advisors at 2pm. darn right?! exactly. but oh well. i guess i'll just settle for tomorrow at 10am... but in reality we (leshen. sandra. me) roll in filipino time... 11-12pm. yeah. and what sucks more ass is that there's going to be traffic. damn slow ass losers on the road! man. we could sOo make it in record time if we all switched off in driving... cause when i drive. man. just ask pablo and christle. fcuk man i'm like such a speed demon its not even funny... 90-100+ mph going up to JMU... its talagang crazy i tell you! its supposedly a 2 1/2 hour drive... but hella. we made it in 1 1/2 :D hehe. thanks to yours truly... ha! anyways. i wanted an extra day to be at the beach because i wanted an extra day to relax... i mean. i figured most of the college heads are going to be there by friday... and so that means chilling with them and all that jazz... but if i got there by thursday... i can just chill at home and sleep... because really... that's all that i really care for at the moment. i mean. when i get the amount of needed sleep in my body... i can concentrate and function better... well duh alyssa we all do too... well yeah i know that... but i mean i can perform better on exams and pay more attention in class and actually have the motivation to do shit. yeah. because lately i haven't been myself... and i haven't been able to do as well in classes... like today we got our exam grades back from our geology exam (yes. the exam i studied really hard on for 3-4 hours reading each chapter and their chapter reviews and then going over the notes for those chapters that we took in class)... and low and behold... what did i get? a fcuking 59! a 59! the fcuk man!? i studied my ass off... but i didn't get any sleep. damn. see. that's what happens when i don't get sleep. i go crazy. i bitch about the little things a lot. i get cranky and depressed. so yeah. anyways... i should probably study more for my exam at 12.30 today. so you college/university kiddos going home today... drive safe. you peoples just chillin and and maxin all cool... have fun but be safe. alright. take cares all. peaceasy!
[b]sidenote[/b]: well at least i [i]am [/i]going to [b]va beezy[/b]. i miss you too! and yes. michael copon is [i]mine[/i]... not yours... [b][u]MINE[/u][/b]! mwahahaha!
:cry: :( :x :) :D :P :lol: 8)
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| god! could this day get any worse?! |
| 10.15.03 (7:38 am) [edit] |
alright. so i wake up around 7.20am and i start getting ready for my 8am class. its been 2 days since i haven't been able to fix my hair and months since i've ever had any sleep. 7.37am rolls by and i'm like shit! i don't have time to fix my hair. for those of you who don't know... i like fixing my hair simply because it defines who i am... even though i don't really know who i am now... but that's not the point. so i get dressed and put my hair up with a hair tie grab my bag and leave for my 8am class. [b]note[/b]: [i] i usually don't carry my books and shit in a bookbag... but i figured... if i'm going to get food after class... it would be easier to just carry my shit on my back and food in hand.[/i]
so i'm sitting in class with my books and things unloaded from my bag and unto my desk... going in and out of daydreams... and i'm wondering. the fuck?! why am i sOo tired?! i mean i had 7 hours of sleep. usually i sleep late and bearly get any rest but is still able to function throughout the day... so having this much of sleep is an accomplishment for me... but yeah. i bearly got to concentrate on the notes and lecture going on... and what sucks is that we have an exam on friday. so shyeah... oh. and our fall break is this weekend til tuesday and i wanted to take the exam a day earlier... thursday. so i can go home with sabrina on that same day and be back at the beach a day earlier... so i asked my professor on monday if i could take it earlier... and although he didn't exactly say it... he meant no for me to take the exam earlier. nuts right?! yeah. and i only have that stupid class that's only 50 mins. on fridays too. grr... but yeah. so as i was leaving his class... i rushed out because i wanted to get food and then get back to my dorm so i could get some rest... or something like that... when i passed my professor and a student... i overheard the student saying so i'm taking the exam tomorrow... and i'm thinking to myself... the fuck?! that's not fair. how come she gets to take it thursday and i don't?! and at that moment i'm just like fuck that and rush on out of there. with my books in hand and me briskly walking down 4 flights of stairs... i open the door to exit and cold winds surround me... my face and ears start to feel numb and dry... and my toes cold. i make it to chick-fil-a but realize that something's missing... and then i remember that i forgot my bag under the desk. damn. so i buy my food and head back into the cold and make my way back up to 4 flights of stairs to retrieve my bag with old people looking at me like... the fuck?! is this little girl lost? and head back to the cold to my cozy yet warm dorm. [b]note[/b]: [i]i don't think my professor likes me because i'm asian. why do i say that?! well. everytime someone sneezes in class he says bless you to them. but when i sneeze... nothing. and when i asked him if i could take my exam earlier... he looked at me like i was stupid and was like well umm. blah blah blah... grr. stupid tennessee people!! and i thought this was a cultural anthropology class.[/i]
and so now i'm sitting here... i finally got to do my hair. and i'm still tired. i can't take a nap because if i do... i'll miss my 11am class. but i guess i'll just take one after that class. but fuck. i have to read. finish my drawings for art. finish my stupid lab that no one really explained well to me on how to do something but i'll just have to figure it all out myself on how to do it. finish my vcu application and clean my dorm and fix it up more. fuck! i'm never going to get any rest! grr. and even though this fall break is coming up... i'm still not going to get any sleep! i have sOo much to do when i get back to the beach... hang out with the fam and the friends. get shit straightened up. get my high school transcripts. exercise my chub chub ass by waking up early in the morning and jog. read more and do homework. cot damnit! man. when will it ever end?! [u]winter break[/u] [b]better [/b]make up for all this shit!
:x :( :cry:
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| i hate myself and i want to die... |
| 10.13.03 (8:10 am) [edit] |
i used to look at myself as this proud. beautiful. open-minded. diversified pinay who thought she knew it all. about life and the different people who revolve around it. i used the tactic of understanding to manuver through the drama. because of this... i felt a taste of bliss within me. sadly i let that happiness slip away. i contradicted my thoughts and opinions to defend myself and in turn i became a hypocritial ignorant racist fuck. i let others down... but what's worse is i totally disappointed myself. i feel sOo ugly and dirty and undeserving of being the girl i once thought i was... i only deserve to be put through the pain and suffering of those victimized by ignorance. i don't know what to do anymore. how to percieve myself as. how to live with these feelings bottled up inside of me. how to open up my eyes and see again. i hate having to know out of all people i had to be the one that's like this. [i]sometimes i just want to let go...[/i]
:x :? :( :cry:
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